Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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