I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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