I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My vagina just clenched in fear
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
