my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
