Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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