I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
