You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
