I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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