that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
