Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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