There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
