I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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