Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
the raccoons are back...
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