I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
