I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
