If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
