I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize