why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
