I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
