yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize