2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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