Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
