i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
