I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will be naked everywhere
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
