Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
