No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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