Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
