yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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