Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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