I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
