Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
