Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
