i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
