I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
