the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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