I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
