Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
