does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
