This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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