I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
