I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
