no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
