Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
