Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
