Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
