I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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