Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Randomize
