look no pants
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
