I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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