My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
