yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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