His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I don't think brook has ever known best
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
