I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
