Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
