we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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