i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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