Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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