Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
