I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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