Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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