I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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